Relationship: Guide to Spouse Selection – This is the highlight of the lecture presented by Hajia Majeedah Popoola (Umm Ammār) at the just concluded Muslimah’s Summit organised by MSSN OAU.
إنَّ الْحَمْدَ لِلهِ نَحْمَدُهُ وَنَسْتَعِينُهُ وَنَسْتَغْفِرُهُ، وَنَعُوذُ بِاللهِ مِنْ شُرُورِ أَنْفُسِنَا وَمِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ أَعْمَالِنَا، مَنْ يَهْدِهِ اللهُ فَلاَ مُضِلَّ لَهُ، وَمَنْ يُضْلِلْ فَلاَ هَادِىَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنْ لاَ إِلَهَ إِلاَّ اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لاَ شَرِيكَ لَهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا عَبْدُهُ وَرَسُولُهُ
This lecture was started with “khutbatul hajjah” which is the tradition of the prophet (Sunnah). “Isti’aadhah (Saying of A’ūdhubiLlāh) and “Basmalah” (Saying of BismiLlāh) are only meant for the recitation of the Qur’ān. It is necessary for us as Muslimaat to learn Arabiyyah for that will enable us to learn directly from the source. It would enable us to have the true understanding of our religion.
That being said, as a Muslimah who is at the stage of selecting her spouse, you have these following questions to answer;
• Are you ready to be selected?
• What are the necessary tools for you to be ready? Is it just by being of age?
• What do you desire in a spouse?
• Have you sought advices?
• Done your Istikhārah?
Relationship is about what connects two or more people. The Arabiyyah of spouse is “Zawj” (which means male/female spouse) while Zawjah means the wife. It should be noted that everything we hear about spouse selection are only preventive measures and not guarantee for the success of a marriage. They are just to make us sure we tick all boxes and leave no stone unturned inorder to avert regrets. But the end result lies with only Almighty Allaah.
Are you ready to be selected?
For you to be sure you really are ready, these following things must be put in place;
• Righteousness: If you want to select a spouse and you are not righteous, then it would be hard to seek or earn Jannah through your spouse. You have to work on yourself and purify your intentions before thinking of getting married. Nikaah is not just an ordinary matter but a life-changing one. For the Prophet (Salla Llāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam) to have said it completes half of one’s Deen, it means it is germane. And just a single mistake can mar one’s life.
• Taqwaa (Piety): You can’t be righteous until you fear Allaah. Allaah says; “Only those of His servants who are endowed with right knowledge (and who can visualize the unity of the Creator by pondering over the diversity of the Creation)”[Al-Faatir verse 28]. If the conditions of the testimony of faith “Laa ilāha illa Llāh” are known and worked towards by us, our Deen will be balanced.
Seek the knowledge of your religion, be particular about rectifying yourself first and don’t busy yourself with criticizing others. After all, Allaah says; “O you who believe! Ward off from yourselves and your families a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded”[Sūratut-Tahrīm verse 6]
In learning about our religion, we have a long way to go and it is too early to start relaxing. And during the process of learning , make sure what you are acquiring is real “knowledge” and not “information”. Knowledge is that which you possess and put into action so if you claim you possess knowledge but it doesn’t reflect in your actions, you are only informed and not knowledgeable. The aim of acquiring knowledge should be to seek the pleasure of Allaah. Whoever Allaah wants goodness for, He grant him the understanding of His religion.
• Cultivate good character (Husnul Khulq): The best of good mannerism is to follow the teachings of the Noble Prophet (Salla Llāhu ‘alayhi wa sallam) because he is on an exalted standard of character. Therefore, no matter how cautious, nice you are, they are not enough if the Sunnah is not included.
• Self-love, self-esteem : Self-love involves loving yourself enough to know that you deserve whatever show of love is directed to you. Be intentional about loving yourself so much that you put yourself first in every decision you make. Self-esteem is you acknowledging yourself and not thinking low of yourself. Know that you have your own unique attribute, identify and work on them. It is time for you to step up your self-esteem game. Whatever you don’t love about yourself, start loving them now!
• Unburden the baggages you are coming with from your parents’ house. If they are not lucky in their marriage, that doesn’t necessarily mean you will also experience a bad marriage. When people say all men are scum, confidently say your own would not be, by the grace of Allaah.
Who do you desire?
Desire a man who have the fear of Almighty Allaah. For definitely, who you marry has a great impact on you. A man who fears Allaah will cherish you in marriage and if Allaah has destined the marriage will crumble, he will still protect her chastity. A pious man will see loving you as an act of worship. A pious man will not maltreat you or raise his hands on you.
• Most importantly, make du’aa to Almighty Allaah. Use your good deeds as intercessors to request your needs from Allaah. When others are busy engaging in fornications and all sorts of immoralities, I’m preserving my chastity, do grant me a righteous man. Do you think Allaah will not accept it?
• While seeking a spouse, don’t throw away your value and hungrily accept a man’s proposal. Make sure you make necessary investigations because he has done his own assignments before coming to meet you.
• Check for compatibility and the head of it is that of the religion.
• Have an open communication and make sure you discuss all that needs to be discussed. The time for khitbah is not that of asking unnecessary questions, ask realistic questions so you don’t end up regretting. Don’t assume for him, let him explain himself in clear terms. Discuss your financial responsibility, is he a man with the mentality of dividing responsibilities 50-50? Also make sure to be aware of the situation of his family.
• Istikhārah (Seeking Allah’s guidance): This is a prayer done to seek the guidance of Allaah in every of our affairs and its validity comes from the hadith of Jaabir bn AbduLlāh (May Allah be pleased with him):”The Messenger of Allaah used to teach his companions to seek counsel from Allaah in all things, just as he used to teach them chapters from the Qur’an. He said: “If any one of you is concerned about a decision he has to make or wants to take an action then let him pray two units rak’ah of voluntary Salah prayer and say:
“ALlāhummah ‘innee ‘astakheeruka bi’ilmika, wa ‘astaqdiruka biqudratika, wa ‘as’aluka min fadhlikal-‘Adheemi, fa’innaka taqdiru wa laa ‘aqdiru, wa ta’lamu, wa laa ‘a’lamu, wa ‘Anta ‘Allaamul-Ghuyoobi, ALlāhummah ‘in kunta ta’lamu ‘anna haadhal-‘amra-[then mention the thing to be decided] Khayrun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashee wa ‘aaqibati ‘amree – [or say] ‘Aajilihi wa ‘aajilihi – Faqdurhu lee wa yassirhu lee thumma baarik lee feehi, wa ‘in kunta ta’lamu ‘anna haadhal-‘amra sharrun lee fee deenee wa ma’aashee wa ‘aaqibati ‘amree – [or say] ‘Aajilihi wa ‘aajilihi – Fasrifhu ‘annee wasrifnee ‘anhu waqdur liyal-khayra haythu kaana thumma ‘ardhinee bihi”
Translation;
“O Allaah, I seek the counsel of Your Knowledge, and I seek the help of Your Omnipotence, and I beseech You for Your Magnificent Grace. Surely, You are Capable and I am not. You know and I know not, and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah, if You know that this matter [then mention the thing to be decided] is good for me in my religion and in my life and for my welfare in the life to come, – [or say: in this life and the afterlife] – then ordain it for me and make it easy for me, then bless me in it. And if You know that this matter is bad for me in my religion and in my life and for my welfare in the life to come, – [or say: in this life and the afterlife] – then distance it from me, and distance me from it, and ordain for me what is good wherever it may be, and help me to be content with it” (Bukhari, Tirmidhi, Abu Dawood, Ibn Majah and Ahmad)
NOTE: This du’aa is not only to be done when seeking spouse alone but on every decisions we want to make. If you make Istikhārah concerning a matter, your heart will feel at ease and be pleased with any result you get. And before doing Istikhārah, avoid having your mind made up already.
May Almighty Allaah continue to upload the home of the married people and grant the unmarried righteous spouses.
Related:
The Importance of Keeping the Female Virginity Before Marriage in Islam
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